It's funny how as much as you try to escape your ego the more it comes back full force. Also funny is how much can change in a week. Last week I was all about reinventing myself and thought patterns. Even though I mentioned the ego and was aware of how much it was influencing my post there still was a lot of praise involved with it. There was this feeling that without ego we cease to exist, which is the ultimate ego trap and thought pattern. Yes, without ego "I" cease to exist, but there is still something in existence beyond that, a deeper connection to existence itself. That was what I was searching for. That is the true reinvention I wanted to experience.
My ego of course immediately jumped right back in and I almost went back and edited my post and completely changed it to reflect my new ideas. Almost just as quickly though I realized there was even more ego in doing that. As if I am bigger and better now and can go back into the past and change my previous self thus reinforcing my current ego even more. I laughed at myself for these thoughts, watched them, and saw them too fade like everything else. I would like to go ahead and thank Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth for the re-awakening that was experienced this week. My stepmother gave me the audio cd and as I listened I remembered, awoke, and found a deep peace. It's always nice to have a refresher and reminder about staying present, not attaching to your thoughts and emotions, and dissolving your sense of me, mine, and I. No matter how far along you think you are in your spiritual practice, how close to God, or how much you meditate it's always a good time to be reminded to be here now. Now too. And now again.
This blog or any blog for that matter is completely self indulgent and ego driven thinking that you or I have anything meaningful and purposeful to share with others; however, as the thoughts pour out and onto the page I am able to observe them and detach from them in some way. Maybe this helps no one or maybe it just helps myself, but the ego says I am all there is anyway so it has it's own self serving purpose I suppose. Perhaps when others view my crazy thought patterns they are able to better recognize the same neurosis in themselves or maybe I'm just able to take a step back and see it in myself better. Constant circular thoughts like this could drive someone mad or all of us mad- the collective psychosis. Breathe. Release. Be.
Peace and love! Good luck on the journey :)
My craziness and ego cannot rest so as an update to my post not even 5 minutes ago here is an unofficial video to reflect my song "Split Myself, " which perfectly goes along with all this crazy ego talk:
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Starting Fresh
I remember back in my school days how I always used summer time for self improvement. I would read tons of magazines, books, articles, etc. I spent a lot of time walking, thinking, meditating, working out, trying fad diets, etc. I always wanted to be new and different when I went back to school in the fall. I told myself I would be less shy, more outgoing, more stylish, cooler, thinner, healthier, prettier, etc. I would see photos in back-to-school magazine issues and visualize myself looking and acting like the models. I wanted to get back to school and have all of my friends just be completely shocked and impressed by my new awesomeness.
It never quite worked out how I hoped it would, but it did bring me a new sense of confidence and excitement. I went to extremes in this desperate effort to find myself. One year I went from being a shy gifted good girl singing Disney songs and show tunes to being a thug girl blasting loud rap music with hoop earrings, baggy pants, dark lipliner, and a ton of hair gel. The next year I wanted to be classy and like Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I started wearing dresses, heels, makeup, boots, blowdrying my hair, and listening to alternative and female singer-songwriters like Fiona Apple. After that I went through a goth/punk rebel chick phase and only listened to rock and metal music with a log of angst. Finally I ended up as me- whatever that is.
Some of my closest friends still make fun of me to this day because I still own and wear clothes I have from high school. Years later, it's summertime again and I still find myself with similar thoughts of wanting to be someone new. Maybe it's my student debt and underpaying day job that have prevented me from having an income to afford a completely new wardrobe. Or maybe that's just my excuse of focusing only on the external. Maybe at some point I just got comfortable, accepted who I was, and stopped wanting to change. But who am I really? I'm made of energy constantly changing so my lack of change is due to my stagnant thought patterns, my choice. While that thought is very disheartening to know that I'm responsible for holding myself back and not continuing to change and grow, it's also very empowering at the same time. If I'm responsible then I can change it. Right now. Just like that.
As I've been writing new songs and getting ready to record a new album the question becomes who do I want to be? I've always associated my internal and external changes with new names. I was born Lindsay Marie Giovachino. I've been performing my whole life playing different characters. When I decided to focus on my original music I re-inveted myself as Lindsay Joa. When that didn't fully capture my truth I reinvented myself again as Lucia, but that was a name and image under the influence of other minds in addition to my own. I think I'm done re-inventing and hiding behind an illusion that I am someone new. Yes I am new, but the new is a combination of all of the old. I think I'm finally ready to just show all of my imperfections to the world and just be all of it. BE the Disney princess singing school girl. BE the tough girl thug. BE the angry bitch feminist. BE me.
I've always been torn between my right/left brain. Being an artist and a critic. I took a test once that said I was 51% left and 50%right. Don't ask me how it's possible that I have an extra 1% brain, but my ego likes to tell me I'm just smarter than everyone else :) My strength is my weakness though. That's an extra 1% of judgement. It's like having another person living inside you disagreeing with everything you do. At times I feel like I'm bipolar or have a split personality or as my friends call me a "Ball of Hypocrisy" as I wrote a song about. I've been torn between giving my fans/friends what they want and just being completely open and posting all of my behind the scenes writing videos where I look and sound flawed but it's raw and real, and carefully crafting the perfect sound and image to have commercial success and not regret something I say or do. It doesn't work though. By indulging one side of me I completely neglected the other. Now it's time the other side of me has a say. Time to be free and just be real and forget about critiquing and judging and censoring myself. So here it goes...allow me to introduce the new/old/my alter ego: Marie Givi.
I've always loved my middle name Marie and I've always wanted to use my grandfather's stage name Givi. Marie Givi. To celebrate I've decided to jump off a cliff and post some embarrassing old but very real videos I've taken of me just messing around, playing different cover songs, writing new songs, editing old footage, etc.
If Elizabeth Woolridge Grant can be Lizzy Grant and then re-invent herself and become Lana Del Rey, Stephani Joanne Angelina Germanotta can become Lady Gaga, Alecia Moore can be Pink, and Britney Spears can go from tween pop princess to white trash barefoot bathroom chick and back again then I can be whoever I want with whatever name. Forgetting all the pretentious celebrity "holier than thou" bullshit, let's just be real. We all want to be bigger and better. Healthier and happier. Wealthier and more successful. It's all ego and it keeps us "alive." Without it we cease to exist. I'm just as much Marie Givi as I am Lucia as I am Lindsay Giovachino. It's just a name, a persona, an attitude. It's just the outfit my ego wanted to wear today and while I'm alive I plan on exploring all aspects of myself and living a thousand lives being a million different people. I want to experience it all so share your stories with me. Let me know how you've re-invented yourself or how you've wanted to change and then do it. Let's do it together and just be new, have fun, and play with this material world with the full spiritual acknowledgement that it is all nothing in the end so enjoy it while you can.
It never quite worked out how I hoped it would, but it did bring me a new sense of confidence and excitement. I went to extremes in this desperate effort to find myself. One year I went from being a shy gifted good girl singing Disney songs and show tunes to being a thug girl blasting loud rap music with hoop earrings, baggy pants, dark lipliner, and a ton of hair gel. The next year I wanted to be classy and like Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I started wearing dresses, heels, makeup, boots, blowdrying my hair, and listening to alternative and female singer-songwriters like Fiona Apple. After that I went through a goth/punk rebel chick phase and only listened to rock and metal music with a log of angst. Finally I ended up as me- whatever that is.
Some of my closest friends still make fun of me to this day because I still own and wear clothes I have from high school. Years later, it's summertime again and I still find myself with similar thoughts of wanting to be someone new. Maybe it's my student debt and underpaying day job that have prevented me from having an income to afford a completely new wardrobe. Or maybe that's just my excuse of focusing only on the external. Maybe at some point I just got comfortable, accepted who I was, and stopped wanting to change. But who am I really? I'm made of energy constantly changing so my lack of change is due to my stagnant thought patterns, my choice. While that thought is very disheartening to know that I'm responsible for holding myself back and not continuing to change and grow, it's also very empowering at the same time. If I'm responsible then I can change it. Right now. Just like that.
As I've been writing new songs and getting ready to record a new album the question becomes who do I want to be? I've always associated my internal and external changes with new names. I was born Lindsay Marie Giovachino. I've been performing my whole life playing different characters. When I decided to focus on my original music I re-inveted myself as Lindsay Joa. When that didn't fully capture my truth I reinvented myself again as Lucia, but that was a name and image under the influence of other minds in addition to my own. I think I'm done re-inventing and hiding behind an illusion that I am someone new. Yes I am new, but the new is a combination of all of the old. I think I'm finally ready to just show all of my imperfections to the world and just be all of it. BE the Disney princess singing school girl. BE the tough girl thug. BE the angry bitch feminist. BE me.
I've always been torn between my right/left brain. Being an artist and a critic. I took a test once that said I was 51% left and 50%right. Don't ask me how it's possible that I have an extra 1% brain, but my ego likes to tell me I'm just smarter than everyone else :) My strength is my weakness though. That's an extra 1% of judgement. It's like having another person living inside you disagreeing with everything you do. At times I feel like I'm bipolar or have a split personality or as my friends call me a "Ball of Hypocrisy" as I wrote a song about. I've been torn between giving my fans/friends what they want and just being completely open and posting all of my behind the scenes writing videos where I look and sound flawed but it's raw and real, and carefully crafting the perfect sound and image to have commercial success and not regret something I say or do. It doesn't work though. By indulging one side of me I completely neglected the other. Now it's time the other side of me has a say. Time to be free and just be real and forget about critiquing and judging and censoring myself. So here it goes...allow me to introduce the new/old/my alter ego: Marie Givi.
I've always loved my middle name Marie and I've always wanted to use my grandfather's stage name Givi. Marie Givi. To celebrate I've decided to jump off a cliff and post some embarrassing old but very real videos I've taken of me just messing around, playing different cover songs, writing new songs, editing old footage, etc.
If Elizabeth Woolridge Grant can be Lizzy Grant and then re-invent herself and become Lana Del Rey, Stephani Joanne Angelina Germanotta can become Lady Gaga, Alecia Moore can be Pink, and Britney Spears can go from tween pop princess to white trash barefoot bathroom chick and back again then I can be whoever I want with whatever name. Forgetting all the pretentious celebrity "holier than thou" bullshit, let's just be real. We all want to be bigger and better. Healthier and happier. Wealthier and more successful. It's all ego and it keeps us "alive." Without it we cease to exist. I'm just as much Marie Givi as I am Lucia as I am Lindsay Giovachino. It's just a name, a persona, an attitude. It's just the outfit my ego wanted to wear today and while I'm alive I plan on exploring all aspects of myself and living a thousand lives being a million different people. I want to experience it all so share your stories with me. Let me know how you've re-invented yourself or how you've wanted to change and then do it. Let's do it together and just be new, have fun, and play with this material world with the full spiritual acknowledgement that it is all nothing in the end so enjoy it while you can.
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