Update to Starting Fresh

It's funny how as much as you try to escape your ego the more it comes back full force. Also funny is how much can change in a week. Last week I was all about reinventing myself and thought patterns. Even though I mentioned the ego and was aware of how much it was influencing my post there still was a lot of praise involved with it. There was this feeling that without ego we cease to exist, which is the ultimate ego trap and thought pattern. Yes, without ego "I" cease to exist, but there is still something in existence beyond that, a deeper connection to existence itself. That was what I was searching for. That is the true reinvention I wanted to experience.

My ego of course immediately jumped right back in and I almost went back and edited my post and completely changed it to reflect my new ideas. Almost just as quickly though I realized there was even more ego in doing that. As if I am bigger and better now and can go back into the past and change my previous self thus reinforcing my current ego even more. I laughed at myself for these thoughts, watched them, and saw them too fade like everything else. I would like to go ahead and thank Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth for the re-awakening that was experienced this week. My stepmother gave me the audio cd and as I listened I remembered, awoke, and found a deep peace. It's always nice to have a refresher and reminder about staying present, not attaching to your thoughts and emotions, and dissolving your sense of me, mine, and I. No matter how far along you think you are in your spiritual practice, how close to God, or how much you meditate it's always a good time to be reminded to be here now. Now too. And now again.

This blog or any blog for that matter is completely self indulgent and ego driven thinking that you or I have anything meaningful and purposeful to share with others; however, as the thoughts pour out and onto the page I am able to observe them and detach from them in some way. Maybe this helps no one or maybe it just helps myself, but the ego says I am all there is anyway so it has it's own self serving purpose I suppose. Perhaps when others view my crazy thought patterns they are able to better recognize the same neurosis in themselves or maybe I'm just able to take a step back and see it in myself better. Constant circular thoughts like this could drive someone mad or all of us mad- the collective psychosis. Breathe. Release. Be.

Peace and love! Good luck on the journey :)

My craziness and ego cannot rest so as an update to my post not even 5 minutes ago here is an unofficial video to reflect my song "Split Myself, " which perfectly goes along with all this crazy ego talk: 

Starting Fresh

I remember back in my school days how I always used summer time for self improvement. I would read tons of magazines, books, articles, etc. I spent a lot of time walking, thinking, meditating, working out, trying fad diets, etc. I always wanted to be new and different when I went back to school in the fall. I told myself I would be less shy, more outgoing, more stylish, cooler, thinner, healthier, prettier, etc. I would see photos in back-to-school magazine issues and visualize myself looking and acting like the models. I wanted to get back to school and have all of my friends just be completely shocked and impressed by my new awesomeness. 

It never quite worked out how I hoped it would, but it did bring me a new sense of confidence and excitement. I went to extremes in this desperate effort to find myself. One year I went from being a shy gifted good girl singing Disney songs and show tunes to being a thug girl blasting loud rap music with hoop earrings, baggy pants, dark lipliner, and a ton of hair gel. The next year I wanted to be classy and like Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I started wearing dresses, heels, makeup, boots, blowdrying my hair, and listening to alternative and female singer-songwriters like Fiona Apple. After that I went through a goth/punk rebel chick phase and only listened to rock and metal music with a log of angst. Finally I ended up as me- whatever that is. 

Some of my closest friends still make fun of me to this day because I still own and wear clothes I have from high school. Years later, it's summertime again and I still find myself with similar thoughts of wanting to be someone new. Maybe it's my student debt and underpaying day job that have prevented me from having an income to afford a completely new wardrobe. Or maybe that's just my excuse of focusing only on the external. Maybe at some point I just got comfortable, accepted who I was, and stopped wanting to change. But who am I really? I'm made of energy constantly changing so my lack of change is due to my stagnant thought patterns, my choice. While that thought is very disheartening to know that I'm responsible for holding myself back and not continuing to change and grow, it's also very empowering at the same time. If I'm responsible then I can change it. Right now. Just like that. 

As I've been writing new songs and getting ready to record a new album the question becomes who do I want to be? I've always associated my internal and external changes with new names. I was born Lindsay Marie Giovachino. I've been performing my whole life playing different characters. When I decided to focus on my original music I re-inveted myself as Lindsay Joa. When that didn't fully capture my truth I reinvented myself again as Lucia, but that was a name and image under the influence of other minds in addition to my own. I think I'm done re-inventing and hiding behind an illusion that I am someone new. Yes I am new, but the new is a combination of all of the old. I think I'm finally ready to just show all of my imperfections to the world and just be all of it. BE the Disney princess singing school girl. BE the tough girl thug. BE the angry bitch feminist. BE me. 

I've always been torn between my right/left brain. Being an artist and a critic. I took a test once that said I was 51% left and 50%right. Don't ask me how it's possible that I have an extra 1% brain, but my ego likes to tell me I'm just smarter than everyone else :) My strength is my weakness though. That's an extra 1% of judgement. It's like having another person living inside you disagreeing with everything you do. At times I feel like I'm bipolar or have a split personality or as my friends call me a "Ball of Hypocrisy" as I wrote a song about. I've been torn between giving my fans/friends what they want and just being completely open and posting all of my behind the scenes writing videos where I look and sound flawed but it's raw and real, and carefully crafting the perfect sound and image to have commercial success and not regret something I say or do. It doesn't work though. By indulging one side of me I completely neglected the other. Now it's time the other side of me has a say. Time to be free and just be real and forget about critiquing and judging and censoring myself. So here it goes...allow me to introduce the new/old/my alter ego: Marie Givi. 

I've always loved my middle name Marie and I've always wanted to use my grandfather's stage name Givi. Marie Givi. To celebrate I've decided to jump off a cliff and post some embarrassing old but very real videos I've taken of me just messing around, playing different cover songs, writing new songs, editing old footage, etc. 

If Elizabeth Woolridge Grant can be Lizzy Grant and then re-invent herself and become Lana Del Rey, Stephani Joanne Angelina Germanotta can become Lady Gaga, Alecia Moore can be Pink, and Britney Spears can go from tween pop princess to white trash barefoot bathroom chick and back again then I can be whoever I want with whatever name. Forgetting all the pretentious celebrity "holier than thou" bullshit, let's just be real. We all want to be bigger and better. Healthier and happier. Wealthier and more successful. It's all ego and it keeps us "alive." Without it we cease to exist. I'm just as much Marie Givi as I am Lucia as I am Lindsay Giovachino. It's just a name, a persona, an attitude. It's just the outfit my ego wanted to wear today and while I'm alive I plan on exploring all aspects of myself and living a thousand lives being a million different people. I want to experience it all so share your stories with me. Let me know how you've re-invented yourself or how you've wanted to change and then do it. Let's do it together and just be new, have fun, and play with this material world with the full spiritual acknowledgement that it is all nothing in the end so enjoy it while you can. 

Three Way: Misery loves Company but Company loves Truth. Truth loves Misery and Company and Itself.

I just heard about something that I'm praying is just some practical joke being passed around. I heard that there is someone in Miami who is putting HIV infected needles at gas stations so when people go to pump their gas they get pricked with the needle and infected. I don't even want to think about what type of person would spread a rumor like that if its not true, let alone what type of person would actually do that if it is true. So disturbing.

Pain makes people do crazy things. If the rumor above was true, I can only imagine what intense pain this person must be suffering to want to inflict that pain on everyone else in the world. Isn't that always the first reaction to being hurt- the desire to retaliate or make others understand and empathize with our pain? We want others to feel what we feel so we are not alone in our misery. It makes us feel better to justify the ego's sense of self by saying "See, other people feel what I feel. What I feel is real, valid, and true. I exist." In doing so we just give more energy and power to the pain, person or situation that hurt us by passing it onto others.

What if you hear that negativity day in and day out? Initially you might be able to be strong, remain positive and not give in to the negativity, but eventually little doubts would creep in. Before you know it you would find yourself right in the middle of that negative energy. Like attracts like and misery loves company. Who are you surrounding yourself with? Do these people support you and your goals? If the answer is no then I suggest you get out while you can. Distance yourself from those people, situations, and environments that are not conducive to you being the best you can be and living up to your greatest potential. It seems obvious, but far too often we stay in a bad situation long after we should have left.

Now this doesn't mean you can't be there for a friend in need. We all have our ups and downs and it's important to support people in your life when they aren't feeling well and their energy is low. How great is it to confide in a friend and have them offer you that little bit of insight that transforms how you see yourself or a situation? When you're energy is high and you are feeling good you have a lot to offer the world and won't be affected by the negativity around you. In fact, you're energy will be so strong that you will be able to transform the negative energy into positive by being that friend with the great insight. It's only when you are constantly bombarded with the negative energy and feeling a little run down that the negative starts to seep in.

Last night I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and happened to be very stuck in my head trying to brainstorm creative marketing ideas for artists. I just needed to come up with that one thing- something witty, inventive, eye-catching, and wildly entertaining. He was very supportive and helpful trying to brainstorm ideas, but I quickly shot everything down. I got fixated on it to the point where I was not a very good companion or dinner partner just sitting there and thinking in my own head. Luckily, he was pretty good at sustaining his positive energy and not letting me get him down so eventually I was able to bounce out of the funk and out of my head. When you're feeling good have have extra energy be sure to do whatever you need to in order to sustain that energy so your overabundance can spill out onto others.

Be thankful for those people who are there for you when you're feeling down. Be aware of your own energy level and what you are capable of giving to others in any given moment. If you're feeling discouraged, disappointed, depressed, or angry then try to channel that energy into something creative. Maybe it's a painting or a song or writing. Maybe it's working out or calling up a friend that you know is feeling good and can help you out. Anything to get that energy out of you without retaliating or bringing others down with you. One of the reasons I started writing songs was to channel the intense sadness and anger I felt growing up and finding my way through different relationships. I related to artists who had "depressing" songs because they perfectly articulated what I was going through. Like I mentioned above misery loves company. It helps to know others have been there before and you're not alone. If someone else can get through it then so can you.

Support groups are great and friendships are even better. Self therapy through creative outlets is sublime. In fully confronting and acknowledging what is bringing you down without fixating or holding onto resentment about it, you cease to give it power over you. Bring your darkness and your shadow out into the light. Confront it and don't be afraid.

***PAY ATTENTION*** CRUCIAL LIFE TRANSFORMING INFORMATION AHEAD:

As I evolved in my writing I began to transform my feelings through song to achieve my goals. I saw myself writing negative lyrics about being lonely, wanting a man who didn't want me, heartbreak, etc. One day it dawned on me that I was stuck in this negative cycle of reacting to situations instead of creating. I decided to use my feelings as an emotional guide and write lyrics that made me feel just slightly better or provided deeper insight into my situation. It wasn't about lying to myself or writing lyrics I didn't believe in. It was about focusing on what I wanted instead of what I didn't want. So instead of writing about being lonely I would write about how I knew there was someone out there for me. They both have similar meanings. In both senses I was without someone, but one made me feel depressed and one made me feel hopeful. This changed my life.

I met the man of my dreams, but he was in a relationship at the time. Instead of letting it get me down I started writing about our connection and the active transformation of our situation to bring us together. Within one year he had split with his girlfriend and we were living together. We are still happily living together and making music 5 years later.

I'm not claiming that songs can work magic. The whole year I wasn't with him felt painful and hopeless like I would never get what I wanted. What the whole experience taught me was the power of intention, focus, and positive feeling in manifesting your desires. Ever since The Secret came out I feel like these ideas got a bad wrap by people who misunderstood them. Think about what you want, feel good about it and it will come to you. It's not as easy as that. Maybe it is for some people but I haven't mastered that belief yet so for me it remains true that if you want something you have to work hard for it. You have to take risks and put yourself out there. Everyday and with every ounce of your being you have to know, believe, speak, and act with the intent of creating what you desire. Every negative self-defeating thought that crosses your mind you have to shoot down and replace it with positive. The bad news is: it's constant work. It's laser beam focus. It's energetic intention. It's meditation. The good news is: it's simplicity. In true form and in alignment with the dual nature of life and universal understanding: the hardest task in the world is also the simplest. I think therefore I am. What are you thinking about?

Religion, The Secret, astrology, tarot cards, psychics, self-help books, etc. All of these are just tools with as much or as little meaning as the video you just watched on YouTube. It's all about the power you give to an idea, discipline, or thought. If you believe it to be true, speak as if it's true, act as if it's true then it is true. It is Your Truth. There is no absolute truth because the duality of reality says that the exact opposite exists as well. Your truth can be completely opposite from someone else's truth yet they can both be "true." If you relate to it and it feels good to you then go with it. Trust yourself. You decide what world you want to live in. You are the creator of your life as you are part of all creation. What are you going to do now?

Social Media- Gain More Friends, Likes, Followers, Repins and Enlightenment

My friend asked me to be a featured guest on her radio show so I listened in to her latest broadcast and stumbled across BlogTalkRadio. It let's you create your own radio show and broadcast live, which seems pretty interesting. So the wheels in my head started turning and if I can keep up with this blog, my youtube channel and writing new songs then maybe I'll branch out into a radio show. How many people have their own radio shows? Their own blogs? Facebook, twitter, pinterest, instagram, youtube, linkedin, foursquare...the list goes on forever.  There are services to help you gain followers, likes, repins, etc. Where is all of this "social interaction" headed? Where does it end?

The more we as a culture get into social media, the more it seems we get away from real social interaction. I went to a party last weekend and felt it was almost painful to carry on a conversation with the other guests. I didn't really feel like I had much in common with them. Shouldn't that be a good thing though? Shouldn't we engage in some heated debate or share our different world viewpoints? All of the social media outlets allow us to connect with things and people we are interested in, but what about the things/people we're not interested in? De-friend them. Don't follow them. Block them. Where does this get us? 

It seems that all of this leads to people becoming spoiled and intolerant of other's viewpoints creating an ego driven society trapped in duality. The ego wants to separate out what it "is" and what it "is not," thus giving it existence and making it feel real. Without separation there cannot be existence. To exist, the opposite "non-existence" or death must also be created simultaneously. But is this real? Everything and everyone is connected. We are all energy. One. By denying and pushing away that which we hate, we actually deny a part of ourselves. We disconnect from the truth and source. 

Some people use the term God, which in and of itself can cause such heated arguments and wars. But for what? A misunderstanding of a word? If God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-encompassing then God is all. There is no other way to define God, but as everything. There cannot be something or someone that is not God because then God would not be God. Duality cannot exist if you truly understand God beyond words and limiting definitions. God is light and dark. Good and evil. Young and old. Male and female. 

The mind has trouble wrapping itself around this concept. Zen koans capture this essence in witty one-liners that make the brain freeze. Stop- thinking. Spinning wheel on the computer. Error. How can something exist and not-exist at the same time? To fully understand the concept is to be fully absorbed by it. The world of duality will still exist as it always must in order for existence and life to continue. You will still be in it, but fully aware of it. Watching it. Observing. Laughing when the ego gets pulled back into duality. Free to play in the world as a child without preconceptions of what is good or bad. Just simply marveling at the miracles of what is. Without judgement. Without attachment. Without labeling "right" or "wrong." Just being. Breathing. Eternal life in every moment achieved through the constant killing of the ego, the walking dead zombie, the vampire, the false self.